Thoughts to Ponder
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls and day breaks?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
A sausage walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here." A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."
It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose, and tomorrow send me another one."
My wife asked me if I put the cat out. I said I didn't know it was on fire.
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?
What's the difference between slime and a lawyer? I've been looking for years, I still can't find any. "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." -- Steven Wright
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
"Daddy, before you married Mom, who told you how to drive?"
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.
Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.
Some people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and call it experience.
Some people can't tell a lie, others can't tell the truth, and others can't tell the difference.
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Why do they call it "Saturday Night Live" when over half of it is on Sunday?
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
Some people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.
I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived under the "No Parking" sign.
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they also marry the same way.
Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.
"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." - Dave James
Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.
"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. *
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. *
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. *
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. *
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. *
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. *
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. *
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. *
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. *
Thunder is a rich source of loudness. *
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. "
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation!"
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Do pilots take crash courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4's"?
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